I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Ummm
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
she has a point
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!