I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation