Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The Friday File.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call