me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams