Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The Struggle
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
this is so top tier i cant
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*