“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
never deleting this app.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.