Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you want my opinion ask my wife
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t