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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.