Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
yeah not falling for this one
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready