You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?