I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”