I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
first you must answer his riddles
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
i really liked this one
Not today. 😅
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.