who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Simple
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
They got a point!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators