He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Based Erika
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
🤣🤣
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.