Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related