I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
fly smarter, not harder
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.