Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.