[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.