Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild