Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.