According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar