To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.