vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You Might Also Like
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.