If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Thoughts
they should invent a rest for the wicked
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*