[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Something Saturday.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*