Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.