[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
…żyje?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”