“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
You Might Also Like
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren