[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?