My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
accurate
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.