Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Bringing home a sharpie
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
This meal prepping shit easy
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
More like Kate Missington.