I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Vodka burrito was a success
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks