my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him