Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*