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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”