If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store