The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My favorite farside!!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.