I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant