Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.