When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]