My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them