“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”