Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first