I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
You Might Also Like
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow