Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.