Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
saving face 👀
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?