I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You Might Also Like
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough