villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
When ur friends with white people
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice