Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.