I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
A leaf blower, but for people.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.